A SPECIAL THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!!

(I received this email and cracked up the entire time I read it. I have received just about every one of these emails mentioned. THANK GOD they are not all true!!)


I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am a total basket case now and have little chance of recovery!!!

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snacks sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fat I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I mus send my special thanks to whoever sent the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because now I have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angles looking out for me.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward and e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink CocaCola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make thsee products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of waer in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and robe me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguse.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their receipe.

Thanks to you I cant use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bottom.

I can't ever pick up a $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer driver my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

I can't buy flip flops at Walmart cause I will get a chemical burn.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living rom because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!

Oh and by the way.... a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered the people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now.... its too late.